Originally posted on February 11, 2020
*Warning: Triggers
My mental health struggles have been present for most of my life, beginning in childhood. I have several diagnoses: Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and Adjustment Disorder. Some that are not officially diagnosed are traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Complex PTSD. Currently, I take 4 different medications for these mental illnesses, 2 for depression, one for sleep, and a PRN for anxiety. The therapies I have had include psychotherapy, group therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), along with a stay in a residential crisis stabilization facility and an Intensive Residential Therapy Services (IRTS) program. I see a therapist, a peer support specialist, and an ARMHS (Adult Rehabilitative Mental Health Services) worker weekly. I also have a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and a case worker to provide medication management and community supports.
I experience depression and anxiety daily, panic attacks, PTSD flashbacks, and nightmares occasionally. Often I still experience low self-esteem and feelings of being unworthy, especially when the depression and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads. I struggle with old tapes (“voices of my mother and my ex-husband in my head”), especially when I am overwhelmed and very stressed. I am often lonely and I have extreme difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships. My social supports are quite limited. I have a fear of abandonment. This has improved lately, but I feel that I can’t depend on anyone and must manage everything on my own. I often believe that I don’t have a right to ask for help, or that I am a bother and a burden to everyone.
In the past, I have self-harmed and I have been suicidal. Suicidal ideation has been common. I have wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, or I thought everyone else would be better off if I were dead. Sometimes I damage friendships by pushing people away and self-sabotaging good things has been extremely common in my life. I have regularly felt shame, including shame for my very existence. At times in my life, panic attacks and fits of crying have been frequent. Currently, I have chronic pain and ongoing health issues. I waver between trusting people who don’t deserve it and not trusting anyone. Extreme fatigue, a year of full-body tremors (with no medical explanation), fits of rage, risky behavior, and brain fog are all things I have battled. I have been a victim of emotional neglect, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, narcissistic abuse, and physical abuse. I was a victim of a financial scam that left me homeless, living in my car during a harsh Minnesota winter, and on the verge of suicide. I was estranged from my children for years following my divorce.
Does this sound overwhelming to you? Every time I must recount all of this to a new therapist it feels extremely overwhelming to me. When I admit that I have been a victim of trauma for all of my years alive on this planet it sounds terrifying. I understand that my struggles will burden me for my entire life. But please, this is what I want you to take away from this: RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. I am in recovery now. I will still have episodes and periods of great difficulty because, honestly, recovery isn’t linear and these psychological injuries could last a lifetime. But I have learned invaluable lessons from everything I have experienced. I am defining new goals and dreams and, will keep going until I reach them. I can relate to and feel a connection with people from many different walks of life. Resilience and strength, compassion and empathy, are my greatest traits. The most valuable lesson that I have learned is that I am a ROCK STAR!
**UPDATE: I was recently (as of December 2023) diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when, in a fit of rage after believing that I was losing Faris, I impulsively attempted suicide by overdose. I spent 24 hours in the ER to save my life, and then 10 days in an inpatient psychiatric ward.