Originally posted on June 25, 2020
My favorite musical artist right now is Lauren Daigle. Her voice is so rich and beautiful and her lyrics feel like they are coming from my heart. She sings Christian music, but when things are bad for Faris, I try to send him one of her songs that says what I want him to hear. One song, in particular, is a collaboration between Lauren and Switchfoot called “I Won’t Let You Go”. I consider it to be our song. Faris told me recently that he will chase me wherever I go, and I also have told him I will follow him wherever he goes. It doesn’t matter what happens between us, we will be in each other’s lives forever.
“I Won’t Let You Go”
When it feels like surgery
And it burns like third degree
And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in
And you feel that ache again
And you wonder
What’s giving birth?
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
You could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
I won’t let you go
When your fear is currency
And you feel that urgency
You want peace but there’s war in your head
Maybe that’s where life is born
When our façades are torn
Pain gives birth to the promise ahead
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
I won’t let you go
I’ll always be by your side
Yeah
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
(I won’t let you go)
I won’t let you go
(I won’t let you go)
There ain’t no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart
There ain’t no strength that’s strong enough that could tear this love apart
Never gonna let you go
Never gonna let you go
No I won’t let you go
In particular, I especially like the chorus, because Faris has trouble trusting me when the ‘war in his head,’ his paranoid delusions, is too loud. He doubts my intentions, he starts believing that I am one of the people who are torturing him. He sometimes thinks I am his demon. ‘None of this is in his control’ and I know that always. The ‘darkness’ in his mind is strong, but not strong enough to ‘tear him from my heart’ or ‘tear our love apart’. When he is thinking clearly he trusts me completely as I trust him without a doubt. All I have to do is wait these episodes out.
**I know Faris always loved me. I know he always knew how completely I did, still do, and always will, love him. I miss him so much, and at this time, I can’t see any future for my life without him. I woke up this morning (as I often do) with a silent scream in my head. I am only existing now, and I am angry that I have to go on without my best friend and the love of my life.
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