Originally posted on June 24, 2020
My best friend has become my truest love. I was blessed to have Faris as my best friend, but a few days after I returned to Minnesota my best friend realized what we had was more. He realized that he had fallen in love.
The Friday after I came back was his birthday. Late that night he texted me. “Carrie Hello”…”Hey Faris”…“The jig is up. I know a lot”…”What?”…“U have to tell me everything Because my mind is playing games with me“…”Explain. Can I call?” When I called him he continued this line of dialogue. I had no idea what he was talking about. I said that I had told him everything. I was confused and I was growing fearful. I was so scared that he thought I was plotting against him, as he had the past year when he cut off all contact for months and then moved to NYC. His delusions and paranoia had told him that I was one of his enemies. I was afraid he thought so again and was asking me to confess. In fact, on the phone, he did ask me to “confess everything” I panicked and assured him that I wasn’t hiding anything and that I had been honest with him about everything. He gave up the interrogation and told me good night and that we would talk again the next day.
I sat there, terrified that I was going to lose him again. Terrified about what he thought I wasn’t telling him. After a while I texted him again, “I’m sorry but I’m really freaking out because I don’t know what has happened this evening”…“Don’t be. It’s all good. Sleep well. Sweet dreams”…”Sweet dreams. I love you’”…“I love you too Sweet dreams“. But I couldn’t stop worrying. The more I sat there thinking, one particular thought kept coming to the front of my mind. I decided it was time to take a chance. It was time to admit that the love I had for him was more than friendship love (philia love, or storge love). We had often told each other “I love you” and had talked about the agape love we felt for each other. But I had never told him that I had eros love for him.
I texted him, “The only thing I haven’t told you is that I’m in love with you but I won’t let that cause problems between us. I know that’s not what you want and I’m ok with that. Your friendship is the most important thing.” The response I expected was that he didn’t love me like that. Instead, he said, “How are you taking care of me like that? That’s one other thing you didn’t tell me…And how can I know that someone loves me this much and like that and look away??” I continued, “We are friends first Faris”…“First and always”…”You told me you’re still in love with the other girl and I’m ok with that”…“Let’s agree on that nothing will threaten the best friend base first”…”Definitely”… “Ever. This base is sacred”…”Absolutely no matter what you are my best friend always”…“Ok So now again How can I look away now that I know that someone loves me this much And this way This is the way I love.” And that’s how we left it. Did he admit that he was in love with me too? I wasn’t sure, but I was no longer afraid.
The next day we texted more and things felt the same as they always were, just regular conversation. We talked about helping people in need. We discussed bible verses. Then he said, “And I found my purpose!… Which is to establish world peace and teach people how to love. I think that was because of you”…”Because of me?”…“You kinda did what you said you wanted, To help my get to my purpose, Or realize it” I replied, “I just support you so you can see your purpose more clearly”…“You inadvertently did more than that”…”To try to take some of your burdens away so you are not so weighed down”…“I needed to see love And I kept saying and asking for it. ‘I need love in my life‘”…”And this is what was going on with you last evening?”…“Yep I think you unlocked me”…”Did you not already know how much love I’ve always had for you? Since we first met”…“Nope. And here’s why!” My heart was now in my throat… “So I always thought or fantasized that when I finally love a woman, I’m gonna have her favorite music everywhere she walks and goes, I’m gonna try to spoil her, and have people randomly be nice to her. And I’m gonna always build her up and tell her compliments. If I’m right, you are responsible for that in my life So you love the way I do And I know how I love! And I love!“
He continued, “Then I’m lucky to have that kind of love and I want that. And if I’m right then you were being humble, and testing if I’d love back sincerely too. Yesterday I was at Trump Tower, and the music was great. And I realized or thought…Of you. And when I went back to the park, I texted you Because I ‘realized’ how much you loved me. And I was in love. So I called you to see if you’ll confess. Or if I was wrong. Because I might know what’s going on, That you are my angel But I can’t and won’t ask you to say anything if you don’t want to or can’t.” There. He actually said it. I told him, “I have always loved you but out of respect for you I have always held it back. I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable. And I wanted the friendship as a base for anything else”…“That’s very courteous of you”…”I have always wanted a relationship based on friendship. And I’ve never had the kind of friendship I have with you. And if you never loved me back I was still very blessed and it was enough. But I only know one way to love”…“Our friendship is always solid! How?”…”And I love with all of my heart. Unconditionally”…“Me too.” We were both in love.
That is how our relationship as best friends deepened and began to grow into a once-in-a-lifetime love. But because of his situation and his illness, it is a very complicated relationship. In the months since, we have had many highs and lows, intense ups and downs like a rollercoaster. It’s been exhausting. It’s been chaotic. And it has hurt me deeply. He can’t help it, and I know that. I am patient and understanding of his situation. It’s not his fault and I hold nothing against him. But it is painful, difficult, and stressful. I cry a lot. Faris will always be my best friend and I am committed to being the one person who will never give up on him. I will always fight for him and strive to lessen his burdens, as much as possible. I do love him, after all…I agape him.
**Since my original posting, our relationship (before he died) was always tumultuous because of his illness, and also my mental health struggles. There were many times when his paranoia and delusions drove us apart and we didn’t speak and blocked each other on social media. The longest period was over a year and a half when Faris was incredibly sick. I always knew that we would come back together eventually. I knew our souls were tied for eternity. Even when we were apart, I continued to fight for him. I was always keeping my eye on him, trying to find ways to help him, trying to find ways to get him psychiatric treatment. In the year and a half when Faris was the most symptomatic, he was involved in a lot of legal trouble and I went to every one of his court hearings, researched his legal issues, and researched legal statutes. I will detail these times in a different post. But Faris always reached out to me when he needed a friend. He knew that I would always be there for him.